Monday, February 3, 2014

Fighting

I've been doing my physical therapy for a few weeks now. I still can't straighten my left leg completely. I'm still walking with a pronounced limp. I'm still fighting though. I have 6 more weeks of physical therapy left.

I'm still waiting for a referral for a Rheumatologist. I've been waiting for 3 months. My new primary doctor pretty much sucks. I called her Wednesday and they told me I would have an answer in 2 days. That didn't work so I'm calling again tomorrow. While I'm having her jump to that referral, I'm going to get one for Rehabilitation Therapy for my RA. My RA hit so hard and so fast that I lost a lot of muscle so there is a lot of weakness. Especially in my hands and arms. Picking up my 12 pound dog is an exercise in massive frustration. My inability to do things for myself is the cause of a great deal of my anxiety and depression.

For those that are confused, it is definitely possible to feel both of those emotions simultaneously. More often, one follows minutes after the other. Then the anger. The anger is as bad, if not worse, than the anxiety and depression. I'm not angry at anyone but me but those closest to me bear the brunt of it. Most days, those three emotions overcome everything else I'm feeling. Most days, my small victories don't even show up on my radar because I'm overwhelmed by those negative emotions. I constantly and consciously having to remind myself of the positives in my life. I have to make myself show gratitude and appreciation to those that help and encourage me. When people ask me why I'm using a walker or wheelchair and I explain RA and what it is and they compare the arthritis in their finger to the agony in most of the joints in my body....I almost snap. I'm not saying they don't hurt. There are so many diseases that bring so much pain to those that are fighting but don't compare the common cold to cancer. 

I got that off my chest. I hope no one was offended but if you were....you can get glad in the same pants.

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